Parallels of studying

Having sat for the Political Econs paper today(which turned out to be mainly a scribing exercise), I have some thoughts in my head.

After the paper, I was real pissed with myself. Why? I felt that I haven't done justice to myself. Despite reminding myself time and again to have good time management, that exam is both about knowing your work and knowing how to be exam smart, I didn't finish my paper.

The moment i flipped open the script and scanned through the questions, I made up my mind on which questions to answer and the time I have for each. But alas, it seems that my hand was not listening to my head and I was foolhardy enough to scribble on at the expense of the last question.

WHile waiting for the examiner to collect the script, I decided that i wasn't going to lug the big bag of readings home. However, I didn't chuck it into the first bin i saw. Instead, i carried it up the slope, under the sun and all the way to S4, found a recycle bin at the basement and chucked the pile in, paper bag included.

ALthough i tell myself that the reason for not dumping my notes into the first bin i saw was due to environmental friendliness, I have to admit that i really don't care about the trees and saving the world that much. Truth be told, I coudn't let go of the notes just yet. After all, i had spent many hours painstakingly highlighing and underlining the pages, and had spent much of sunday putting POST-ITS on them. After so much effort, I needed some time before throwing them away. And a dismise in a recycling bin filled with paper seems that much better an end than a putrid rubbish bin.

As i slipped each pile of notes, each tied with a rubber band through the slot, I thought..hey isn't this a little like love?

You see, before the exam is akin to being still in love. Lots of attention and time was lavished on the notes, getting the points, remembering which part goes where....Not that I love studying. I study because I have to. It has always been like this. It is something that has to be done. Neither do I hate it. Sometimes I chance upon topics that I like or find interesting, and I enjoy those. I also enjoy the process of studying and bitching with frenz and having an excuse to eat more junk food and attribute it to exam stress. Most of the time, I am ambivalent. Those who have a passion for the things they study may find this rather sad. To me, it is just part of life. Lots of things are done because there is a need to. More often than not, you do something you don't like, in anticipation of something you like.

Back to the point. The relationship between my notes and me ended after the exam. The love has ended. Just a while ago, they were important. The most important things I was carrying. Just as quickly, they become worthless. Each piece, highlighted and tagged, will be discarded.

However, there are remnants of what was there before. Hence, it takes time to get over it. Therefore, I lugged the heavy paper bag all the way to S4 before I finally understood that there is really no point in carrying it further. It is heavy and weighing me down. The string was making angry red lines appear on my arms. Finally I discard it. EVen then, I threw it into a recycle bin, cos I wanted the end to be better, nicer, not ugly and dirty.